Friday Morning, 518/520

[sensethevisions]

You would think that waking up with a hangover before would have made Phoebe less likely to even think about drinking as much as she had last night.

You would be wrong.

Last night, after finishing up at Caritas, she had come home to the dorm. She had laid on the couch for awhile, trying to sleep, but sleep wasn't so willing to come. Valkyrie and Seraphim and curled up with her, but even they had become annoyed at her restlessness and had given her quite a few chastisements.

Still not able to face the bedroom, Phoebe had gone into the kitchen and pulled out one of the bottle of alcohol that had been stored there. She hadn't drank alone in a very long time -- not since the promise she had made to Cole after what had happened the last time. However, that was about to change.

Four shots later and she had fallen asleep -- only to be woken up by her dreams and her tears. Three more shots and she had slipped into a bit of a light sleep again.

But then, the sun had come up, killing all thoughts of staying asleep.

Almost embracing the pain in her head because it was a pain she could deal with, Phoebe made herself walk back into the kitcken to make some coffee.



[[OOC: Doors are closed, but the post is open for visitors -- and for one on particular]]

Comments

[sensethevisions]

Phoebe tried not to let her face show her thoughts about Cole being hurt like that. She swallowed. "What was that?"

[izzyalienqueen.livejournal.com]

"He wanted me gone. Not because he was trying to protect the Source. But because he was trying to protect me," Isabel explained. "He knew I'd be in trouble if the Source found me there."

[sensethevisions]

She felt tears sting her eyes. "That does sound like Cole," she said softly. "Wanting to make sure his friends were safe."

[izzyalienqueen.livejournal.com]

"Exactly. Even if that meant getting himself killed in the process." Isabel looked at Phoebe steadily. "He knew what had to be done. He told me to get Angel, Piper, to stop the Source before anyone else got hurt."

[sensethevisions]

Phoebe swallowed hard and looked down at her hands for a very long moment. "So... he knew what would have to be done to stop The Source?"

[izzyalienqueen.livejournal.com]

"He knew," she said quietly.

[sensethevisions]

Phoebe closed her eyes, trying to fight back the tears. "The first thing I told Aziraphale yesterday was that I had killed him..." She said quietly. "Because I really do feel at times like I did hurt Cole... I know that there was no other way and the idea that he knew what was going on..." She sighed very softly. "He knew what we would have to do and he accepted that?"

[izzyalienqueen.livejournal.com]

Isabel nodded understandingly. "I was there Phoebe. I helped. And I keep thinking if I had looked harder, read more maybe I could have found a way. But there wasn't." She closed her eyes, remembering how defeated he'd looked. "He said he wasn't strong enough. That he was already dead. I think it was more important to him that eeryone else was safe. That you were safe."

[sensethevisions]

Phoebe covered her face with his hands. "Isabel... do you think... could he see and hear what was going on out here? What the Source was doing? Did he know... " She shuddered. "I... I almost didn't make the right decision that night. There were things that he had said to me before you guys got there... things I had done..."

[izzyalienqueen.livejournal.com]

"He could see what the Source was doing, yes. But he couldn't stop it," she said. "As for what he said, that was Source, not Bel. And I don't think he'd ever hold anything against you."

[sensethevisions]

"Cole would never have drugged me to keep me with him or told me that he was giving me that stuff to help my true nature be revealed."

Yeah, the idea that she was pre-disposed to evil was still messing with her head a little bit.

[izzyalienqueen.livejournal.com]

"No he wouldn't have," Isabel agreed. "And there would be no need for a potion to show your true nature. It's already out there. You're a good person Phoebe."

[sensethevisions]

"I miss him so much, Isabel," she said softly. "I hate that it happened. I hate that The Source took him from us and that in the end he sort of won because we stopped him but I still lost Cole..."

[izzyalienqueen.livejournal.com]

"I know. I miss my friend. I can't imagine what it must be like for you," she said softly.

[sensethevisions]

Phoebe tried not to let her tears fall. "It feels like a big part of me is missing."

[izzyalienqueen.livejournal.com]

"I'm sure," Isabel nodded. "He was important to you." She didn't attempt to offer platitudes, knowing they were meaningless when the hurt was this new.

[sensethevisions]

"Everyone keeps telling me that I have to be strong for both me and his memory and I'll get through this but..." She spread her hands.

[izzyalienqueen.livejournal.com]

"It's the truth. But it doesn't make it hurt any less," she admitted. "You just have to keep going on. And one day, you'll wake up and it'll hurt just a little bit less."

[sensethevisions]

"I just keep expecting to wake up and find him here with me again." She ran a hand through her hair. "It's like a nightmare that I cannot seem to wake up from right now."

[izzyalienqueen.livejournal.com]

"I know," Isabel said. "Maybe if you just think about the happy memories instead? Did you ever get to see the glass slippers I made him for you?"

[sensethevisions]

Phoebe nodded. "I have them in the closet," she said softly. "he made me into Cinderella for Homecoming. He wanted to do his best to bring my favourite fairy tale to life for me and he did. He was my Prince Charming..." She smiled at Isabel. "I never got to thank you for helping him with that."

[izzyalienqueen.livejournal.com]

"It was the least I could do, especially after all the times he offered to come rescue me when I had to go back to Roswell." She laughed softly, "Just call, he told me. The demonic taxi service will be right there."

[sensethevisions]

Phoebe nodded. "He liked you and he trusted you. he wanted to make sure you knew he would be there if you needed him."

[izzyalienqueen.livejournal.com]

"It was mutual. Even if I couldn't help him in the end," Isabel sighed.

[sensethevisions]

Phoebe bit her lip. "Everyone did the best that they could, Isabel," Phoebe said softly. "No matter how much like hell I feel, I do know that part of it to be true."

[izzyalienqueen.livejournal.com]

"You're right," she nodded and then yawned. "I'm sorry. I just had a bad night last night and didn't really sleep. And I have class in an hour. It's going to be one of those days."

[sensethevisions]

"I have coffee if you'd like some, Isabel." She gave a slight smile. "I wasn't exactly much with the sleeping last night."

[izzyalienqueen.livejournal.com]

"If you don't mind me taking it to go." Isabel looked down at her clothes and wrinkled her nose. "This is what I was wearing yesterday. My shower and I need to spend some quality time together. Plus I need to be to the mall to meet someone in 30 minutes."

[sensethevisions]

Phoebe smiled. "Not a problem. I have to go cups on the counter and there's half and half in the fridge and sugar on the stove. Help yourself."

[izzyalienqueen.livejournal.com]

Isabel did just that, fixing herself a cup loaded with sugar. "Thanks Phoebe. I'm sorry I didn't come talk to you earlier. I've just been trying to process everything in my head."

[sensethevisions]

"I think I'm one of the ones that you don't need to have to explain that to, Isabel," she said quietly. "I'm glad you did come this morning, though."

[izzyalienqueen.livejournal.com]

"Thanks. If you need anything. Just come on by okay?" Without waiting for an answer, she slipped out the door.

[sensethevisions]

Phoebe watched her leave and then went back to trying to combat her hangover... and thinking.