Wednesday Evening, After Cheerleading, Selkie Cove

[sensethevisions]

Phoebe wasn't hiding from people, except for the part where she totally was.

She had kept to herself during cheerleading, and then afterwards, she had slipped away. no one had said anything, so she assumed that she han't done anything to her fellow cheerleaders while being possessed.

She sat on the rocks, watching the water and thinking about the things she knew she had done during that week-- and worrying about the things she couldn't remember.



[[OOC: For him that knows who he is]]

Comments

[cantgetnorelief.livejournal.com]

Bridge had been in a weird sort of mood all day, so Anders didn't feel like making it worse by moping in the room. And he didn't feel like going up to the roof or any of his usual hangouts, since he kind of felt like avoiding people. Instead, he found his way down to the beach and wandered slowly along the water's edge, smoking the occasional cigarette.

Eventually, he ended up at Selkie Cove -- and froze in his tracks when he recognized the figure on the rocks. Guilt over what he'd done with her when she'd been possessed started twisting his stomach, and it only got worse when he remembered yesterday's conversation with Bel and everything both of them had said, and anger, resentment, and general overall hurt got added into the mix.

Maybe if he left now, she wouldn't notice he'd been there; as quietly as possible, he turned to go back the way he'd come.

[sensethevisions]

Because she obviously she didn't have enough issues right now...

Phoebe lifted her head as she felt someone approaching and when she recognized Anders she stood up and scrambled down off the rocks.

"Anders! Wait!"

[cantgetnorelief.livejournal.com]

Anders hesitated, but didn't turn back to look at her as he shook his head and continued to walk away.

Can't do it. Can't face her. Hurts too damn much.

[sensethevisions]

The fact that he was walking away from her after she knew he heard her hurt... and it confused her.

She quickly ran after him and touched his arm. "Anders, wait."

[cantgetnorelief.livejournal.com]

The contact made Anders nearly panic, and because he couldn't decide whether he wanted to run like hell or turn around and hug her, he flinched away from her more abruptly than he intended to.

Still not looking at her, he muttered, "Phoebe, I can't talk to you . . . 'm sorry."

[sensethevisions]

She dropped her hand, eyes wide, when she picked up on his panic and when he flinched away from her. He had never flinched like that when they came into contact.

"What? But why? If it's about what happened with Wyatt, you have no idea how sorry I am." She shook her head. "He told me that you were worried about me when he came to check on me."

[cantgetnorelief.livejournal.com]

"No. Not about that. Was worried, though. Still am." Anders's hands came up abruptly, just before he balled them into fists and crammed them deep into his pockets; he still didn't turn around, so she couldn't see his eyes shut tightly.

Too many images cropping up in his mind, too many memories and sensations he wished he could just shut down. The night after Bel's memorial . . . the afternoon they'd all gotten drunk . . . Bel threatening him . . . last week, in the cabins. Too much guilt, too much confusion, too much want and what he thought might be love.

"It's . . . complicated as it is, Phoebe. Don't want to make it worse."

[sensethevisions]

Phoebe was reeling from all of the emotions she was picking up from him. Some of them were so powerful that they had images that popped into her mind... nothing clear, but there none the less.

"Anders... what happened?"

She knew. She knew the witch had somehow messed with her friend while she had been possessing her and the pain from him was making her want to cry.

"Anders? Please, talk to me."

[cantgetnorelief.livejournal.com]

"I shouldn't," he said bitterly. "Supposed to stay away from you. He says he can't trust me around you any more."

That triggered a fresh wave of anger, and he kicked at the sand. "Can you blame him? After . . ." Memories of the liaison at the cabins again, more vivid this time. "I got in the way again."

[sensethevisions]

"I talk to who I want to talk to and you're one of my closest friends."

Phoebe just stared at him, trying to sift through the anger and... the other emotions she was picking up from him.

Desire...passion...love...

"What..." She swallowed. "Anders... what did I do?"

[cantgetnorelief.livejournal.com]

Anders shook his head and finally turned around to look at her with a sad, twisted smile. "It wasn't you," he said tightly, the disappointment clear in his voice. "Keep telling myself it wasn't really you."

Wasn't you who said you wanted me. Wanted to be with me.

[sensethevisions]

And all of a sudden, she knew.

Her face drained of colour and tears stung her eyes as his sadness and disappointment hammered at her like a blow. Everything she had been picking up from him was suddenly so very clear.

"Oh... oh my god," she whispered. "I... she... Anders?"

That bitch. That absolute, collosal bitch. Burning wasn't enough. She had used her body to hurt Anders and to twist the knife in him.

She needed confirmation of what she was sure had happened.

"Anders... please... what did I do to you?"

Reads Post-It note... a lot.

[cantgetnorelief.livejournal.com]

"She." Anders put extra, undue emphasis on the word. "She used you to seduce me, okay? So now you know."

He turned away again, horribly ashamed of himself and unable to face her any more. "And she didn't even have to try that hard, and Bel's right and I have no willpower, and I can't be trusted, and . . . gods, I'm sorry."

Saying it out loud made it a little more real, and it hurt. His voice broke and he hung his head as the tears started to fall.

[sensethevisions]

Phoebe wasn't sure what emotion to feel first. There were so many coming from Anders and there were all of her own that were now swirling around in her mind.

"I..." Phoebe swallowed. "She was evil and manipulative, Anders. She knew how to... how to twist and screw with everything..." She shook her head. "Not your fault." My fault. My fault because you were in my head and I am so fucking sorry for what she did to you.

She reached out to hug him, struggling past her own emotions to try and comfort someone else who was hurting so much.

[cantgetnorelief.livejournal.com]

Anders started to relax into the hug, but then pulled away again, muttering, "Probably a bad idea for you to touch me at all, Phoebe. I don't frakking know what's real and what's just in my head any more." He rubbed at his eyes angrily. Dammit, he wanted that hug -- too badly, though. "You probably shouldn't trust me anyway."

He'd been beating himself up with that thought ever since Bel had flung the accusation at him yesterday.

[sensethevisions]

Phoebe was crying inside at the pain she was picking up from him.

"Anders, I am so sorry for what I... what she did to you. She used your feelings and... she manipulated you." She swallowed. "I do trust you. I... I can't remember what happpened, but I don't see how it could mean that you cannot be trusted."

[cantgetnorelief.livejournal.com]

Anders turned his head to look at her, tears streaking his face. "She didn't need to use a spell on me, Phoebe . . . she knew I'd have done it if you so much as asked. And after Bel made me promise to keep my hands off you, too. Maybe he's right, you know, and I am just some kind of puppet."

[sensethevisions]

Phoebe wasn't sure how to respond to the part about her asking. What she was sure of was that someone she cared about was hurting.

"First of all, you are NOT a puppet," And boy was she going to smack Cole for saying something like that. "Second of all, manipulating you by using your feelings to get you to do something is sometimes worse than any spell."

She hated that he was hurting so much.

"I am so sorry that I was used to hurt you like this, Anders."

[cantgetnorelief.livejournal.com]

"Yeah, well, I'm sorry that what I feel ended up hurting you and Bel," Anders mumbled brokenly. "Sorry I keep getting in the way, making things complicated just 'cause I . . ."

Not gonna say it again. It scared him off.

"'cause I feel things I shouldn't, and I can't stop myself."

[sensethevisions]

He didn't have to say it as she was picking up all of his emotions way too clearly. She blinked back her own tears and stepped forward to try to hug him again.

"You can't help how you feel or your emotions, Anders," she said softly, fighting tears. "You haven't gotten in the way and I don't know what you mean by complicated." She shook her head. "And if we got hurt, that wasn't your fault."

No, it was mine. Mine for not realizing Lana wasn't Lana. Mine for not knowing by now how to protect myself from possession.

[cantgetnorelief.livejournal.com]

Anders tried to pull away again, but with only half an effort before he gave in and wrapped his arms weakly around her. "Keep trying to force myself in," he tried to explain. "Knowing what you guys have . . . all that time when I was feeling it . . . wanting that for myself. And I see you and Bel, and I just . . . I want to be a part of that even though I don't have any frakking right to be. So I push, and he gets mad, and . . . you're crying."

[sensethevisions]

It had never occured to her that someone would have wanted what she and Cole had -- or that someone would have wanted to be a part of that with them.

"I'm crying because someone that I care about a great deal is hurting so badly," she explained. "Part of your hurting is because of me and I don't know how to fix it for you."

[cantgetnorelief.livejournal.com]

Anders half wished she would stop telling him she cared about him -- at the moment it only felt like it was making things worse. "I can stay away, like he wants me to. Until I get over it, or find a way to forget. It's the only way I can think of to fix it."

He started to raise a hand to wipe her tears away, then paused and shoved that hand back into his pocket.

[sensethevisions]

"He... he told you to stay away?"

Phoebe's voice was sad.

"So what, you avoid me until god knows when? We can't be friends anymore and then I graduate and leave?"

Phoebe ducked her head. "I get that you have to do what you feel you need to for you. Just don't expect me to be happy about losing one of my best friends... and don't expect me not to want to summon that bitch that possessed me and take a piece out of her for doing this to you."

[cantgetnorelief.livejournal.com]

"I don't know what else to do," Anders admitted, smiling at her sadly. "I've hurt him enough because I can't stop myself if I don't stay away from you. He says I should just stay away from both of you, and I can't think of any other answer."

Part of him was still stubbornly holding on to what the djinn had said, about not deserving to be shut out like that, and that part was protesting very loudly right now, which only made his guilt worse. Yeah, that's what I want -- but it's not right.

"I don't want to do this, Phoebe, but I swear I don't know what else to do," he added, unable to choke back a sob. "I'm sorry. I care too damn much about both of you to want to stay away . . . but I care too damn much to stick around, too."